You know, I have been feeling pretty damn good lately (with the exception of Sunday evening). Overall, my mood has been on the mend, anxiety is falling, and confidence is rising. I would feel much better if I had a job, but I’m working at it. The market is pretty “meh” right now and it’s rare to hear back from anyone. But I can say that I’m feeling terrific.
Well, I’m not 100% (more like 95%). I still have some confusing and fluctuating feelings inside of me. An emptiness I don’t know how to (or don’t want to) fill. Feelings that are a blessing and a curse. It’s one of the few things I refuse to leave my “safe space” for.
Well, I’ll stop dribbling on incoherently. I probably always sound like a madman in these kinds of posts.
I hate when you get so drawn into a book or something. When you keep rereading it to the point of memorization, hoping that you missed something somewhere. You want more. MORE! You enjoyed the ride the first few times, but now, there is nothing new. Now you need a new ride, while being a continuation of the old. Who would have thought reading could do that to you?
I have a propensity to worry about things beyond my control. One is my grandmother.
Within the last year or so, her health has declined. Much faster than before. I worry every day that I will get a call from my mom and hear that she has passed on. She’s diabetic but has a hard time keeping her sugar normal. That has led to many trips to the hospital in the last few months. And every time a nurse or caretaker is hired, she fires them at the end of the day. She is 89 and has survived breast cancer, open heart surgery (in her mid 80s, she was not expected to survive), and numerous falls and strokes. Mentally, she is isolated. Her friends and relatives have passed on. Fortunately, my mother is retired and spends time with her. Her spunk is waning. After years of protest and refusal, she has conceded that maybe she should be in some sort of assisted living community.
I hate to see her suffer, but I also would hate to see her die.
Today has been such a strange day. I feel like I have lost all emotions and feelings. I feel so dull. I guess I have been depressed for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be “average”. But I don’t have any strong feelings either way.
I think about that “big decision” I made and I just feel like “meh”. Don’t care either way. I don’t feel opposed to it but I don’t want to pursue it at the same time. Besides, if I don’t have any feelings, what is the purpose of [x]? (being secretive is really screwing me over). I don’t have strong feelings anymore. I think it would be helpful. I don’t know. I’m probably sounding like a nut job.
I should be happy that things aren’t getting me worked up, but at least I felt alive. There’s nothing now. Wait! What is that feeling in my stomach? Oh, I getting hungry.
I think I am the only person who could look at this and think there is a problem. Is there a problem? Or am I overreacting?
A long time ago, I said I would make a major life decision by this day. I don’t really know what to do. Both paths are not pleasant.
One will lead to pure misery. It will no doubt push me over the brink. It scares the hell out of me. But why choose this? Well…
The other path will be an exercise in futility. Pointless anxiety before an inevitable conclusion. I think this too would put me over the brink, but it would take slightly longer.
What to do? None are good, but I don’t see a third path.
Had a good weekend! My sister’s party was great and I got to see a cool museum and one of my friends from college. Driving wasn’t too bad. I drove about half of the route and my dad drove the other half. It was a pleasant surprise to see how fuel efficient my car is! Numbers are one thing, actually seeing it in practice is another! I could drive up to Buffalo from Northern Virginia on about 3/4 of a tank of gas. ~400 miles!
So good to be home and in my own bed again.
I feel like I am not completely honest with myself. That I have suppressed a lot of myself to remain “normal” and to not stick out. I am a very self-conscious person and I often worry about people judging me.
I was so ashamed and embarrassed when I told my father that I was going to be playing Dungeons and Dragons online with my friends. He told me that he didn’t have a problem with it “as long as I don’t start sneaking around the house”, whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean. I was so nervous about telling my therapist about playing. She is kind of religious, but fortunately she isn’t one of the crazies out there. She’s actually played Warhammer 40K, Magic the Gathering, and other tabletop and card games. Do you know how much I want to get involved with wargaming? But no, I refuse to let myself get involved. Besides the fact that I have the strategic skill of a World War I officer on the Western Front, I don’t want to be one of those “nerds”. I don’t want to be associated with “that” crowd.
I’m even ashamed to admit that I like video games on two fronts: 1) People who play video games are still seen by some as virginal loners with no lives (that IS me, but anyway…) and 2) I’m not a “gamer” and I don’t play the “right” video games to be considered one. I don’t play Mass Effect or Diablo or Halo. I play strategic and city-builder games. Hell, I don’t even know if that is the right terminology. I feel like a fool from both sides.
And music. Geeze. I just respond with “Classic Rock”. I don’t even want to get started with the “other” music I have…
I can be really funny and I would have loved to have received the reputation of “class clown”. But nope. I kept my mouth shut. Never talked to anybody. Never let anybody know who I truly am. In Middle and High School that usually worked to my advantage, for the teachers. I always seemed to be placed in the loud and rowdy classrooms and the teachers appreciated that I never acted out and stayed quiet. In college, near the end of the semester, I would loosen up (a PowerPoint presentation always let me be free to be funny). I have heard so many people talk about me and it’s always like this, “Wow, I didn’t know he was so funny! I wish he had opened up sooner!” I was so afraid people would be turned off by my humor or I would make an ass of myself in public. I did get a huge laugh in my European History class in High School for something I said. It was awesome. Why don’t I open up and do that more often?
There is a lot more about me that I am suppressing, but I won’t get into now, or ever, here. Why am I so ashamed and embarrassed of myself? Why do I hate being me?